Escapism without movies.

I don't really know who reads other's peoples personal, rambling style blogs. I've showed one or two people my first post, it's more exciting to not know if they're continuing to read or not after the first one. I work in retail, and customer retention is one of my company's main policies. So lets see if I've learned anything in the year and a bit I've worked there that I can apply to retaining my 'customers'. I don't want asking someone to read my first blog post to become shoving it in their faces every day. While I've enjoyed writing it this far, I'm still a bit sketchy about the whole blog thing myself.

My mood doesn't vary day to day. Right now, it's hour to hour. One minute this is going to be a blog about how everything is finished, and how I'm a trapped unique little snowflake, taking refuge in drug induced wonderlands, the next it's gonna document how everything is great and my life is on the up. I guess that's fine, though. It's a personal diary as such. Why does it need a theme? The theme is !!ME!!, and whatever the hell I'm feeling.

Speaking of drugs, I'm now one week without anything that intoxicates. This isn't some rehab, straight edge thing. Just some short lasting health kick that's tacked on to my latest attempt to quit smoking. (That was unfair on me, and pretty defeatist, this will be looked back on as my final, and successful, purge of the unholy tar sticks.) Despite being free of alcohol and drugs for a week. They're still on my mind. Yesterday I felt like getting high, doing a few lines and having a few drinks. I didn't in the end. But why shouldn't they be on my mind? I'm not constantly thinking about drugs at all, but I'm sure stuff you enjoy doing is on your mind from time to time. Aside from the health issues, why do people take such a hard line stance on what people put in their body? Where's the same stigma around other unhealthy, non intoxicating actions?

I think a lot more people do drugs than is made out. I doubt any single person in my work place would put me down as a drug user any more than anyone else. I keep myself looking tidy and as well groomed as anyone else. I'm not bad with time, aggression, money, nor do I conform any other drug user stereotype. Sure I'll talk about them slightly too much on the internet, but 99% of people will try to enforce that party animal, enjoying their teenage years thing more than they should do. So if you can't see me and pin me down as a drug user. How do you spot a drug user? I don't think you can. Drug users are everyone around you, your mum once smoked pot, your best friend probably has done MDMA. Everyone is getting on quietly doing what they enjoy.

I once bought a phone off a guy from work when mine broke. He was in his 50s, family man and as well read and intelligent as anyone else you'll meet. Anyway, one night I'm pretty bored on my phone in bed, doing that thing where you look at every setting and click on every app. Maybe wrongly, I flick through the photos I notice he's still got on there. Pictures of his dogs, his wife, family gatherings etc. After a few photos I come across a picture biggest joint you've ever seen, sat next to a bottle of Morgans spiced rum, and some unidentified white powder. You really can't spot the average drug user.

Recently my best mate and educated health nut (the guy can be unable to stand up for alcohol, and will still refuse to even drag a cigarette) found out how to legally buy the compound(?) in Ritalin. Ritalin is used to treat ADHD and is pretty much an all round study aid. This compound causes less harm on the body than caffeine. This is a straight A student studying physics at a top university. The drug releases dopamine, much the same as MDMA, and while I've never been bothered to touch it, as I don't really study, from the slight change in the way he's talked to me while on it, I can tell it produces a euphoric effect.

I know the ramblings of drug users can be annoying (maybe this is), but what you've got to think is. If loads of people are doing them, there's always going to be a few people you can't stand who participate in a certain activity. Even more so on the internet. There's plenty of people that talk about money too much, get all pretentious about film or literature. You don't think all film watchers are obnoxious because of those people.

While I need to work on tailing off into rants, my point still stands. Why should be kicking drugs and alcohol out of my life, the majority of drugs I take are less harmful than alcohol, and lots of people take that. I'm happy on everything I take, I don't cause any problems to others, why should I be kicking drugs? Why am I even trying to justify this to a non existent reader, or myself? I don't want to make out you're missing anything either if you don't take drugs, or that you're a square or something, you're not. Your choices are your own. It's just I'm having a good time doing them, I feel they help me understand a lot of stuff in my life.

Peace out, DUDE.

Escapism

You could put this as my first 'real' blog. I've blogged before, but not really about subjects I'd call genuine. I'm not sure what the subject of this blog is, but it's genuine.

I wrote a letter to myself yesterday. It documented depression and where, if anywhere, my life is heading. I enjoyed writing it, though nobody was reading it as I wrote it, it felt like I was talking to someone. Maybe it was just me talking to myself, maybe tapping endlessly on a cold glass screen was how I needed to communicate with myself, how to tell myself to calm down. Anyway, the letter ended with "Every day is exactly the same" - which is the title of a Nine Inch Nails song. So that's where I got my blog title from. Maybe I have a reoccurring theme already. How exciting!

I was just going to write a few words, talking about escapism. But I feel it's rude not to have at least a short introduction. Maybe the first paragraph does already touch on escapism. Anyway, after I got in from a standard day at work I had a healthy tea for once. It was everything I hate yet still tasty; quorn bolognese and wholemeal spaghetti. Following my tea, and a short prelude to my new life of reading a lot more, I decided to watch the film Hard Candy.

Despite seeing it before, I enjoyed it again. Though last time I saw it was a few years ago, so I think I grasped the ending better. While a great film, it sort of sickened and disturbed me this time round. Maybe I'm just becoming soft to the idea of vigilante justice. During the film I felt great. No worries. I had a brilliant plan of going to bed early(ish). And sleeping! As soon as the film finished though, I thought I'd just check a few things before bed. Suddenly, I felt a massive sinking feeling. Everything I'd previously had no interesting in worrying about flooded back to me.

As it's my day off tomorrow, I'm going to be ultra productive and set myself a couple of tasks. My first is to find out the difference between a blog and a diary. My second is to find more immersive movies to occupy myself with.