Mr. Self Destruct

I've written and rewritten about a thousand things here and I really have no idea how to articulate absolutely anything I'm feeling right now. As this is pretty much my personal diary I'm going to bullet point stuff because it'll be nice to look back over so I can pinpoint where my life became completely fucked up;

• Had another big panic attack today, bought fish and chips after a long stressful day at work. It was greasy and horrible (I left most of the fish). Afterwards I felt unhealthy and like I was going to die because of this one greasy meal. I rolled with that idea until I was pretty sure certain death was imminent.
• Work is stressful, I recently agreed to do another day again permanently, which means 3 days in a row (Gee, how terrible, huh?). But it's a big change from having a day off after every day (except Sunday, which I had 24 hours before my next shift anyway). I'm too scared to go back and say I don't wanna do this shift again because I don't want my manager to think I'm messing her about
• I've done nothing this evening due to my panic attack and that makes the 3 days in a row thing worse as I haven't had time to relax at all.
• I can't see a point where my next break / happy moment is coming in life.
• I can't even write how I'm feeling properly tonight, I just have no direction, I tried some poetry and it was alright but I didn't know how to finish it. I even tried a haiku but couldn't finish that. I title it 'proper shite poem'. I'm not even sure if it is poetry, what is poetry?

"The cursor stares at me

A blank canvas ahead

I stare back at it

A blank face on head

It's waiting for me to say something

I'm waiting for me to say something

It doesn't hurry me

It just waits patiently

Though without me it can't say anything

And without it I can't say anything

There was a time when I didn't need it

Well, didn't rely on it

Maybe I used to be tougher

Or maybe I just didn't have problems

That I needed to secretly tell others

• I'm scared of annoying people
• My throat is sore and tastes of sick
• I had some ideas and wrote a first paragraph in my head for a book today. It's called "don't ask, don't kill". It's about a gay soldier who murders other soldiers due to homophobic bullying. It doesn't really have a point or a plot other than it was quite fun to plan out something non-fiction / descriptive. 

That's pretty much all my random musings.