Various methods of escape

 I lay here tonight much like always, I'm depressed, lost, alienated, unable to sleep and maybe feeling a little too sorry for myself than I should do. I'm a whiner, no doubt about it. Though I feel guilty to saddle other people with my problems I still proceed to do it. I can rationalise it partly, people have come to me with problems before, I understand everyone needs to talk to somebody sometimes. But I also understand it's totally unfair to be a burden to somebody else all the time.

If I know it's wrong, why do I do it? Why do I insist on spending every waking moment I feel down telling someone else about it? Writing repetitive and tedious lines over and over about the same thing and rejecting any real advice. I don't know, honestly. I think it's a lot down to cowardice. I don't reckon a lot of people tell their problems to strangers all the time. They probably just cope with them normally, telling people who they've also had to support back. But as selfish as it sounds I'd sort of like to think people are as hopeless as me. Knowing other people are in the same boat makes me feel less of a loser, only slightly though.

Quite a lot has changed since I last wrote one of these self pity letters, I've been having panic attacks in public. I've only had two that I'd say left me with a complete lack of ability to function in the situation I was in, but I've had a lot of 'near misses'. Maybe mild panic attacks is a better term. Who knows? I'm not 100% what a panic attack really is or if I even really have them. What if I'm just being stupid and freaking out when a panic attack is something 10x worse? What if all this worrying might lead to a *real* panic attack? Whatever I'm having, the main issue for me is the stupidity over the triggers of them. It can literally just be something I don't like or confuses me. Something that'd mean so little to somebody else, less than so little, it wouldn't even conjure up a thought and would pass by completely ignored to a normal person. Imagine that, basically being scared of the outside world and having immense bouts of fear due to being confused.

I don't feel comfortable talking about the first one this very second due to the 'morbid' trigger and the pain I'm in right now. My second ever public panic attack I was walking to platform 11 after feeling a little faint all day, suddenly when platform 9 wasn't after platform 8 I began to get really scared. I knew the platform existed, I wasn't worried about being lost really, or that i'd miss my train. What scared me was the complete lack of control I felt over the situation. That here I was on this remote platform, unable to comprehend the signs. Beaten by a non sequential numbering system and some wonky arrows. My head started really feeling bad, and though I tried to search for the problem I realised quickly I couldn't. I grabbed the nearest bench and sat on it on my own, sweating, close to tears and just hoping that someone would ask if I was alright. For around 15 minutes I sat staring forward, unable to think of anything but my impending doom. My chest felt numb and in so much pain at the same time. When I felt a little better I decided to get up and timidly search for the platform. I wasn't feeling great still but good enough that I could stand up and wander around without total fear of collapsing. I found it around 5 minutes later and boarded the train that was waiting there. When I was on this train an overwhelming sense of danger came over me, I resisted the urge to get off as it waited at the platform for around 10 minutes. Shortly after the train took off I'd say it was the end of it. I had mild anxiety and felt quite uncomfortable, but not anything like the feeling I'd previously been feeling.

I just googled 'feint' and 'faint' to see which one to use, even the definition of that "feeling weak and dizzy and close to losing consciousness." made me feel uncomfortable and scared. I am clearly not rational and get scared by the stupidest of things, I really can't take it.

I don't know what to do because the fear of one happening again leads me to be very uncomfortable outside of the house as soon as I stop being distracted and remember I'm a weirdo. I can't take the pain I'm in physically right now, either. Maybe it's time for the coward to consider the cowards way out once again. I know I won't anytime soon, as always death terrifies me more than anything, I just wish it didn't. If it didn't maybe I'd have the balls to do it, or maybe I'd be cured and happy.

Sorry for any typos, I wrote this on my phone for an inability to leave my bed.

Currently listening to > The Nightwatchman - Stray Bullets > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmGK7tD188Y
I love the intro and first verse in ways I can't describe at the moment.