How to find true love and happiness in the present day

Flying was brilliant and I've already booked some actual lessons. London was interesting though it's a different world, it'd be nicer populated with northern people. Everyone's in a rush with nowhere to really go. Off to Dundee and Edinburgh to stay at some nice hotels and do touristy shit with a friend next month. I'm also reliving my childhood through the panini world cup sticker album and it's pretty great.

I've currently got a slipped disc due to my triumphant return to football and now have shooting pains and tingles down both arms intermittently. It's causing a massive loss of sleep and I've had about 5 hours in the past 40 or so. I was off work on Thursday due to not sleeping at all Wednesday night and on my return to work interview "your absence rate is 26%, we try to keep it at around 3". Whoops!

Apart from the continuing pains and lack of sleep everything is pretty swell still.

Now for some glorious photos because, why not?

meeting a friendly northern racist fella in the hotel bar at 2am in the morning

This was brilliant, the set for the definitely maybe album cover

SUPER MIKE

my first stadium, what a terrible stick

Even graffiti in London is poncy

Inside wemberlee when we were wrecking shit

Me and my old man drinking in an aldi carpark outside wembley #yolo

I swear I don't usually take photos of everything. I've no idea how this happened, I was very drunk for a lot of the weekend.

The burden of being wonderful.

After having chest pains for 3 days continuously, sometimes being unbearably painful, coupled with feeling dizzy a lot of the time I was pretty sure that I was having heart/lung problems. Last Wednesday I decided to go to the doctors and tell them about them. I had my blood pressure took, blood oxygen levels, heart beat monitored etc and she said my ticker was fine. Then I had my breathing checked and she said my lungs were fine too as far as she was concerned. She told me that tablets I'd been taking recently had probably exacerbated other problems in my stomach. I was referred to go to the hospital and set a date for what is now tomorrow.. I was also prescribed with antacids which she said would help with the heartburn/chest pains. I don't know the extent of what's up and I was reassured it most likely wouldn't be anything serious, and just inflamed stomach lining or something along the lines.

Anyway, the news has MASSIVELY improved my mood and all round outlook on life. It's amazing how much better you feel when you've had a weight lifted off you. I spent weeks/months really fearing for my heart and health, often leading to panic attacks and it didn't help my anxiety. I've not really been bothered by anything recently and feel invincible as of late. Seemingly unrelated to other stuff it's really helped me with understanding about myself too and let me get on with my life working out what I want to do, not doing stuff to try and influence the judgement of others.

I've got a lot of stuff off my mind. I've really found myself not caring about the thoughts of others, not doing stuff to impress others, or through bitterness and anger. I've got a lot of exciting things coming to look forward to too. It's nice to finally enjoy life.

I'm going to London this weekend to watch the football, and by sheer luck there's an early years Oasis exhibition on in Hackney that I'm going to go to on the Saturday. If I've got time I'd quite like to see all touristy stuff too as I haven't done that since I was young. I've also got a job interview with an IT marketing firm. I'm not too interested in the job because they expect far too much for what they pay, but it'll be good to practice interview technique.

I've also booked my first flying lesson. Well, it's more of a 'taster' lesson. After a ground briefing and explanation you get into the plane with a pilot. Once a pilot gets you airborne you can take the controls for 30 minutes and get to fly a small prop plane. Despite a fear of flying, I've always been interested in the technical side of aviation. I think it's something to do now while I'm feeling positive. It might help me with commercial flying too, in the sense I will be happier to fly, meaning that I can travel a lot easier and happier.

I've recently discovered Steel Panther. They're a glam-rock parody with great lyrics. It's a shame I'm a month too late because they did a UK tour in March. Oh well, maybe next time.

Gangsta rap made me do it

Where do you people get off, honestly? If you're reading this it's more than likely about you. Seriously, how the hell do you hypocrites think you can mock and talk about me? Let's be honest, I have my problems, but unlike most of you I can admit them. I'm talking about some sad plan I genuinely don't care about to have a clique, so poisonous and pathetic that you make me look normal, not talk to me.

Let's evaluate yourselves for a second, and not me. I've got my problems, you know my problems, I know my problems, but I can admit mine, you people sit there sneering about me yet try to remain completely oblivious about yourselves. People who're so insecure about body image, yet sit around making snide remarks about each other's looks behind their backs. A bunch of people so poisonous that they pretty much despise each other yet are friends mainly because they talk to each other a lot. You people have nothing in common, no real affinity for each other yet flock together to ride on some weird idea that poking fun of other's quite visible problems makes yours less obvious.

You  have the cheek to gossip about my life, tell your internet friends your pathetic misconceptions and outright lies and try to demonise me? You have the audacity to say I'm the freak yet fucking get woke up by nightmares and appear and act obviously uncomfortable and strange about mutually assured destruction? I'm not the only one who's yapped on about suicide, take a good look at yourself.

You all put on these fronts yet call me the liar? You try to exaggerate these perfect normal lives you lead. Yeah, not buying it for a second. Imagine being your age and getting your kicks when you get home from work each evening by trying to put down teenage girls over their body issues and insecurities? You're most likely a latent homosexual, too. Imagine getting thrills from spending your nights making the same jokes to each other, listening to each other's piss poor music and acting in the same 'ironic' way every night of the week. I did it, yes. But least I fucking realised that my life was pathetic and hated it. How do you enjoy chatting the same mundane subjects to each other? Gee, why don't we discuss public transport again. How about those bus stories eh?

You say I want the attention, but look how you all act and how you tailor your personalities based on who you're talking to, whether it's like or dislike. You've all got more personalities than me. You'll people will be completely different talking to someone on their own than you will be talking to them if someone else is watching you. You're all constantly trying to impress each other with jibes and put downs of people you act perfectly normal around when you haven't got an audience.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is I'm on track to improving my mental health and dealing with my problems. Why the fuck don't you people wake up and look at yours rather than trying to take solace in the fact that somebody's problems are out in the open and it's a much easier to laugh at their problems than address your own?

Yes, she was a bitch, but you all actively rejoiced and went almost strangely ritualistic finding out a teenage girl was a fake on the internet. You all took pride and happiness in the fact that some girl most likely had issues you can't even imagine and that you were there to witness her destruction.

I mean this honestly, and not in a nasty way when I say most of you will be on that website until it closes. Talking to the same people you don't like and don't like you. You're all blatant backstabbers and it's scarily how much you talk about each other behind each other's backs. None of this was meant nastily, I mean honestly take a good look at your own lives, don't laugh this off but instead look what you're actually doing. Using the problems of others to stimulate your own lives and hide your own massive issues and insecurities.

I'm off to do some soul searching, self understanding and if there's time visit my Uncle Waheed in the Pakistani mountains for err... traini his wedding. That was a joke, obviously. His name is Imran.

Peace and love to all.

The line begins to blur

I'm pretty scared for tomorrow, I've agreed to go see some medical people and I'm not sure what's going to happen after this morning. I'm probably going to be up all night because the longer I'm up, the longer it takes for tomorrow to happen. I've lied a lot to the people in real life who're there to 'help' and ask me my problems. I'll probably do the same tomorrow. I fear mistreatment and do not trust the people there to help me. They've all come across as threatening and out to get me.

I've been in bed all day and eaten a slice of toast and a tiny bit of pasta. I feel like going to Paris tomorrow, or maybe somewhere in eastern Europe. I could probably afford to stay there for around a month depending on the quality of my accommodation.

I'm trapped no matter where I turn now, I've got to face up to stuff or attempt to run away from it all completely. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, what little is left of my life being normal is more than likely going to be taken from me. I had a panic attack for the first time in a long while today, I laid in bed for a lot of the day feeling like I was going to die. I think they're brought on by stress and discomfort.

Your so called friends, albeit internet friends gossip about your life thinking they know anything about it. It's amazing the nature of people behind your back, the ones supposedly that were your mates. This world is full of backstabbers. Hope I manage to 'change' soon.

I want to run but I'm not sure where I can go, or how it'd even work out.

The day the world went away

I'm trapped in the very place that only days ago I escaped to. I have been taken back to the beginning because of the actions of others. Maybe it stemmed from me but I was treated as a criminal last night, my only crime was being suicidal.

I was threatened to be kicked out of the house by the woman who took me in only days ago, I was threatened with everything under the sun. They threatened to break the door down on the phone, they went to my parents house and harassed them. They made the woman who sided with me think I am all the wrong labels that my parents demonise me with.

I am back to square one and have nobody in this world. This world is a cell to me maybe I'm just not right for it. The people who are meant to help me treat me so badly. The police officer I talked to last night was aggressive, condescending and showed no attempt to understand anything she didnt already understand. I can't excuse my own actions and that they cause distress for others but I'm not right and I just need anyone.

I'm laying in bed now because I was up til 6am. I'm not coming out of my bed all. It's funny how you revert back to childish beliefs and actions in moments of terror and distress. My bed is my last fortress right now.

If you're reading this I apologise to you and I know you were only trying to help, but your heavy handed approach has cost me so much and brought all the things back I escaped from. I don't blame you at all I blame me, I put you in that place where you had to make that decision and I apologise for that. I understand what you did was probably for the best interests of me. I don't want to argue with you and I know you think I do but I don't. I think it was as much you being hostile to me rather than just being friends. You say "all we do is argue" etc but we have no choice not to when you say stuff like that. I can't really word what I'm saying well right now and I know you won't talk to me again but I'm sorry and thanks for trying, even if what you did caused a lot more suffering.

Who knows where to go from here. I'll probably be taken away again now. I can't trust anyone, they said they wouldn't come to me last night but they did anyway. All these people say they're there to help but they don't realise they push you further into corners. Their actions are soulless and follow their guides and teachings which they think are appropriate and apply to all. People don't care about inviduals but rather applying the same 'treatment' to everyone.

Everyone I know goes away in the end.

Treasures

I often feel jumbled with my thoughts, unable to express them, but this time it's good thoughts. There's feelings of elation, freedom and sheer relief. I'm sat here smiling, I don't want to let anything get me down, and while I'm positive I want to think about some actions to take against the things that make me unhappy.

I've never really believed that you can 'plan' the future before, I probably still believe you can't. You can have this plan, but what do you do when it goes wrong? Do you stick to this plan to the end even if it's quite apparent it's unfeasible? That's not to say you can't shape your future and that's what I'm aiming to do.

Why have I always let the little things get me down? Why have I always let people get me down? Why have I always looked at these problems and seen them as totally unconquerable? I'm not going to lie, with some self belief I honestly reckon that I'm pretty fucking awesome. Scratch that, it's undeniable fact. 

Tomorrow I wake up with a different outlook on life. I don't care about people any more than they care about me. And I don't mean that in a selfish way, I mean it in a way that I let people affect me a lot more than I could ever affect them. Who cares if that person judges me? Their opinions mean jack shit to me because the same people I feel conscious around are the very people I don't actually care for at all. So maybe it's not all in my head, maybe that fucking retard at work/public judges me. So what? They're exactly that, a fucking retard. I don't care for their opinion any more than they care for what I think about them. I'm like you now, calm and  weak.

I've realised nobody else in life can or will help me, or even really cares about me. My own parents condemned me and were resigned to abandoning me the second that anything was up. From now on I'm going to be a dick to everybody else and start living how I want to live. There's no point trying to help others when everyone else will sell you out in a second. Your friends don't like you, they just care for what they can get out of you. Same goes for your family.

To do list;

Apply for better jobs and quit my shit one (I'm signed off for month and could get long time sickness so I can't really lose here).

Go for a run

Practicing performing a song I wrote

Make tea for my Nan.

Sort out my medical shit.
Tell people truthfully why I don't want them anywhere near my life.

Positive quote to end on;

"But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion." - Kenny Powders.

:-)

No fanfare, fear or anything else.
I apologise to anyone who actually knows me for what I put you through.
I was never a bad person, I just made some wrong decisions.
All my stuff goes to stray cats.

Goodbye.