Treasures

I often feel jumbled with my thoughts, unable to express them, but this time it's good thoughts. There's feelings of elation, freedom and sheer relief. I'm sat here smiling, I don't want to let anything get me down, and while I'm positive I want to think about some actions to take against the things that make me unhappy.

I've never really believed that you can 'plan' the future before, I probably still believe you can't. You can have this plan, but what do you do when it goes wrong? Do you stick to this plan to the end even if it's quite apparent it's unfeasible? That's not to say you can't shape your future and that's what I'm aiming to do.

Why have I always let the little things get me down? Why have I always let people get me down? Why have I always looked at these problems and seen them as totally unconquerable? I'm not going to lie, with some self belief I honestly reckon that I'm pretty fucking awesome. Scratch that, it's undeniable fact. 

Tomorrow I wake up with a different outlook on life. I don't care about people any more than they care about me. And I don't mean that in a selfish way, I mean it in a way that I let people affect me a lot more than I could ever affect them. Who cares if that person judges me? Their opinions mean jack shit to me because the same people I feel conscious around are the very people I don't actually care for at all. So maybe it's not all in my head, maybe that fucking retard at work/public judges me. So what? They're exactly that, a fucking retard. I don't care for their opinion any more than they care for what I think about them. I'm like you now, calm and  weak.

I've realised nobody else in life can or will help me, or even really cares about me. My own parents condemned me and were resigned to abandoning me the second that anything was up. From now on I'm going to be a dick to everybody else and start living how I want to live. There's no point trying to help others when everyone else will sell you out in a second. Your friends don't like you, they just care for what they can get out of you. Same goes for your family.

To do list;

Apply for better jobs and quit my shit one (I'm signed off for month and could get long time sickness so I can't really lose here).

Go for a run

Practicing performing a song I wrote

Make tea for my Nan.

Sort out my medical shit.
Tell people truthfully why I don't want them anywhere near my life.

Positive quote to end on;

"But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion." - Kenny Powders.