Something I can never have

Right now I wish I didn't have real life friends on my twitter, or that I had a tumblr or something because I feel more inclined to do some short form self pity, but hey ho.

I'm a weirdo, everything wrong in my life has been nothing but the result of my actions. I am alone because of who I am and the wrong decisions I've made. I intoxicated, not physically, but verbally abused my ex girlfriend. I'd berate her over stuff, jealousy and my own insecurities mostly. All she ever did was love me and I drove her away from me by being jealous. I'd never make it out because of jealousy, I couldn't do that, that makes me seem pathetic, but I was. I'd find other things to do it for, I'd cause arguments out of nothing and become scarily aggressive. I once rang her at work while I was doing cocaine in my parents house and unleashed on her a disgusting tirade, she was so upset (she used to work in a call centre), that her boss came and took the phone (her personal phone) off her and had an argument with me. She was so embarassed that she left the job soon after (she wasn't contracted) due to my actions.

That's one thing personal to me that I've never really told anyone. It haunts me how I could act like that to someone. She was no angel, but that was mostly in response to me. While I reckon I never would have hit her, I threatened her at times. I'm quite an intimidating person when I'm picking on 5'2 girls, I'm 6'3 and around 15 stone, so I can imagine she was terrified and I made her feel fearful for her safety.

I can put on this facade, but deep down I am not a nice person. I drive away people I care about due to my own actions. You can cite it as result of drugs, alcohol or other stuff, but I did what I did. There's many other stories, I'd make her feel bad about her intelligence, her family and stuff, I've done the same and other bad things with other people too.

I know she hates me, I don't mind that, I deserve to be hated. I don't love her or anything like that anymore, but it really stays with me that I've acted like that towards someone. I'm a bully to hide my own lack of confidence.