While I'm still here.

I don't know much about mood swings or any other label you want to give to it, but my personality and happiness varies by the minute.

Last night around 10 minutes after the end of work, I started to feel a little bad. Nothing out of the normal, but it snowballed, and oh how it snowballed. Before an hour had passed I was certain I was going to die, I was checking my heart every ten minutes, I couldn't feel it, I was sure I couldn't. I tried laying down, sitting up, distracting myself with anything, drinking water, eating. Everything. Nothing could shake the fear that I was going to die. This lasted for about 2/3 hours, maybe longer. Even when the overwhelming certainty of death ended, I still didn't feel good, it was still in the back of my mind.

Eventually I managed to take my mind off it mostly all together, listening to music and doing other distracting things. All was fine, apart from the fact I had just spent the last few hours thinking they were my last, I was alright, I guess, if not slightly jolly.

Then suddenly I started to question a lot of stuff about myself, question what I'm doing with my life, my happiness, my home life, my relationship with my parents, my job, whether I'll ever get to chase my dreams. That's where I suddenly snapped, I suddenly felt very down. The boy who'd spent the last few hours thinking he was going to die and fearing it was now half wanting to put himself out of his misery. I have around 50g of legally owned poison that will go unnamed, I need around 1/5th of that to die. I thought about it, never really considered it and decided to try go on a walk.

I didn't know where I was walking, really. Where I was going or what I was doing. I sat on a bench for a bit, read a few unrelated things on the internet, and wandered towards town. I had my wallet with me, my phone and some strong rum in my hip flask that I was drinking since I left. I wandered around a little, I was sort of angry yet just disappointed. I kicked a few things over, sat down a little more.

Soon I found myself in the place I'd been down the road the other day. There's a 24 hour shop there, I decided to get a quarter bottle of vodka (once you pop, you can't stop). After sitting at a bench I decided to go up to the car park above the spar and the houses above them. It's not really a car park, it's just a roof you can drive up onto, maybe about 25m up, no cars ever actually park there. It also has a sort of has a flight of stairs that are completely inside a separate building next to the spar that are always open and you can use to access the roof. Once you're up there there's a small wall, about maybe a metre in height, then a drop onto the pavement below it. I stood on the wall a few minutes, drunk but pretty sure of my feet. Wondering if I could, wondering if I would. I didn't, obviously. I sat down on the wall after that, drinking, crying and staring into the distance. I turned my phone off and just sat there.

I sat on that wall for about 2 hours, I'm not sure of the times to be honest, it might have been 20 minutes, thinking about my life and if I could ever change it. After that I went home, at about half 4, got into bed pretty drunk and just laid there for a while longer.

I woke up this morning and acted on as normal and pretend again nothing happened and I'm totally fine.